If You’re Gonna Blow it Up, Don’t Wear Hello Kitty Shoes


It’s been a while since I’ve written about my adventures in the Ladies’ Room, and I’ve had this post brewing in my head for some time now.  It’s a little bizarre, but I could probably write daily about some Infamous Incident which occurs in that delightful tiled room, but I’m guessing that one can only hear so much on the matter.

Now I know that the title up there seems completely unrelated to the Ladies’ Room, and perhaps you were expecting something more politically or globally themed.  Apologies, but this has nothing to do with military functions nor atrocities suffered around the world (though, there is something to be said about the atrocities suffered in the Ladies’ Room in my particular workplace).

I am happy to say that my two coworkers share similar views regarding “business” functions which occur in the Ladies’ Room, and generally, our day is not complete without one of us shouting a warning of something nefarious going down in that delightful room down the hall.  One coworker has referred to the “business” as “blowing it up,” as in, “Don’t go in the bathroom, someone is blowin’ it up in the third stall!”

Now, I happen to think this is the funniest expression I’ve heard to describe that function which people should reserve for the privacy of their homes, and I’m laughing right now, just thinking about it.

In our particular bathroom, it seems that “blowin’ it up” occurs on a daily (multiple times, multiple participants… what the heck?) basis.  I’m not sure if it’s something in the food, the air, or what, but those three stalls see a lot of action.

Sadly, it seems that the stalls are unable to handle such daily excitement, which inevitably leads to toilet clogs, an occasionally flooded floor, and a real fear of opening the door when all you wanted to do was rinse your coffee cup.  I’ve found that a cringing facial expression, tip-toeing, and stealthy opening of stall doors does not save me from the carnage left behind by other business-doers.

Generally, the best thing to do in our Ladies’ Room is to get in, do your thing, and get out as quickly as possible, particularly if the handicapped stall is in use (the luxury “business” suite).  Sometimes, it is better to just leave and wait for an “all clear” signal from your coworkers.

I wrote something long ago, when I first started this blog, about the fact that if you are unlucky enough to have emergency business to do in the bathroom, pretty much everyone knows who you are.  Since our Ladies’ Room is a bit small, there is generally no way for you to avoid being discovered.  Particularly if your feet are easily identifiable.  If you’re wearing fluorescent green peep toe shoes, you’re screwed.  Or.  Hello Kitty shoes.

Now, I’m not exactly sure why an adult in a workplace would be wearing Hello Kitty shoes, and part of me considers that it might be a kind of cool, funky sort of thing, like, I don’t know, wearing a Bazooka Joe tee shirt and sporting a mohawk.  But, funky or not (sadly, there are no mohawk sporting workers in my building, so the cool factor is not there), wearing Hello Kitty shoes is going to get you noticed.  Wearing Hello Kitty shoes and blowin’ it up in the bathroom is a double no-no.

You should realize, Hello Kitty Shoe Wearer Who Blows it Up in the Ladies’ Room, that long, analytic discussions will be held at your expense, and perhaps you’ll even be mentioned in someone’s blog post.  My advice to you (apart from not wearing Hello Kitty shoes without a mohawk), if you should have another “emergency,” is to either switch to your plain, black, unidentifiable shoes beforehand, or go to another floor to do your business.

Blowing it up should be reserved for your bathroom at home.  And likely, so should your Hello Kitty shoes.

And that, my friends, is my sage advice for the day.

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