So, it has been 308 years since I’ve written, and, since I’m procrastinating about the various projects that I should be doing, I’m sitting down to write.  Maybe I should procrastinate about projects more often.

Anyway, this is going to be one of those dissertations on the variety of annoying television commercials about which I’ve been ranting in my head, for some time.  And, now I think of it, I may make this into several posts, because the more I write, the more I think of things that should be included for discussion.

I’m grateful to say that I’ve missed my opportunity to complain about the $%@*%^(@ Time Warner Cable commercials that were on every 6 seconds before they switched to Spectrum (thank you, Spectrum).  I had a whole 3000 word post about (a) the number of commercials and the weird fact that sometimes other commercials would come on for a half second and then a Time Warner commercial would bully its way onto my screen instead, (b) that obnoxious guy- the one who rides the tricycle at the birthday party, barges his way into the neighbor’s home to bring a plant, and has a pissing contest with the bearded guy about what countries they can call in an unlimited fashion, and (c) the fact that, because I had a strong dislike for the company and their costs and their obnoxious commercials, I was planning on looking into an alternative to cable.  But, lucky you, Spectrum has taken over, and I don’t have to complain about them for now.

I will, however, take the opportunity to talk about the scary monster lady in the Dove chocolates commercial.  Now, I really feel a little bad in complaining about this, but I have to preface this with the way in which I often end up catching a glimpse of this oddity.

I happen to DVR pretty much everything that I usually watch, mainly because I am an old granny who goes to bed just after sundown because I’m up at 4:41, but also because I want to fast forward through commercials.  And one day I was fast-forwarding through 13 minutes of commercials and caught a glimpse of her.  I didn’t really know what the commercial was, simply that it was a rather old (?) wrinkled lady with glamorous hair who was eating something and closing her eyes in ecstasy.  My first thought was that it must be some kind of funny commercial about zombies (no joke– I was probably watching The Walking Dead).  Or maybe it was some commercial about “Our Time” or KY for seniors (sorry).  My second thought was that it reminded me of the scary old lady/old man mask that was the remnant of a Halloween party attended by my parents long ago- the one that used to scare the crap out of Spenser.  When I stopped to rewind, I was like, “What the crap IS this??  Why would they think this is a good way to sell their product???”  I didn’t even get what the whole idea was, I was entirely focused on getting to the part with the old lady and secretly demanding that there had better be a real clever punch line in the end.

I finally did a Google search on the thing, because I expected to find a load of previously searched topics equal to my, “what is the deal with that scary lady in the Dove commercials?”  There wasn’t.  But Google knew to who I was referring, because there were multiple opportunities to see the full deal on YouTube.  SO- first of all, the version that I’ve been seeing is waaaaay shortened from the original (15 seconds to the 1 minute original).  Until I saw the original, I don’t even think I really realized that the old lady was the one doing all the other things in the commercial, over the years, in the same dress.  I understand French (a bit), and even the song didn’t click it all together for me.  So, if you are as frightened as I about that lady, I’m including the full length commercial at the end of this, which will make you feel guilty for being shocked and afraid.  And in closing about the scary lady (and it’s only like, the last 2 seconds of the ad), I’ll say this:  I actually love old faces.  I think they’re beautiful, and telling, and should be revered.  But when seen in fast-forward with no context, it’s Freddy Krueger time.

Falling into the same genre of commercials that creep me out are the “recent” batch of Realtor.com ads.  The ones where the blonde lady is experiencing the “dream” rooms of various people.  I have to admit, I don’t think I’ve enjoyed any of the ad campaigns with the lady from The Hunger Games (I had to look it up because I couldn’t figure out where I knew her from), but I liked the fact that they used a Eurythmics song, so, I tolerated them.

Every single one that I’ve seen from this batch has me saying, “ew,” and fast-forwarding even faster.  First- the one with the guy who has shaving cream on his face while being shaved by a magical razor, while he’s playing with a paddle ball in his towel.  It’s gross, and I don’t like it.  I don’t even get why it’s his “dream” to play with a paddle ball in the bathroom.  I guess it’s supposed to be funny (flash forward to the blonde lady with shaving cream on her face– hardy har har.), and maybe I’m overly serious about this stuff, but it’s just weird.  Especially the part when a plop of shaving cream falls to the floor.  If they had only shown the splat on the floor next to his bare hairy feet, it might have been tolerable, but, no.

The other really bad one is the guy in his dining room.  I’m not sure what the significance of a muppet who resembles him and a giant fork with eyes and a guy in an old timey diving suit is, in relation to a “dream” dining room, but, it doesn’t make me think, “ha ha, clever,” it makes me think, “this is just overly weird.”  Click.

And lastly, there’s the lady with the dream closet, who is being massaged by her clothing.  I’m not even going to comment, because just writing that first sentence is enough.

I realize that dreams don’t often make sense, and I strongly suspect that I’m losing some of my humor in my old age.  But, maybe the fact of the matter is, these commercials are lazy and strange, and our collective eyes should no longer be assaulted by such silliness.

On that note, I’ll leave you for now.  Stay tuned, I’ve got more on the horizon.



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